Married To ‘Mama’s Boy’ Husband? Expert, Franca Attoh Shares Tips On Coping With Him And His Mum

Marriage brings with it some independence and couple’s deliberate detachment from their parents, but there are situations where the man, who is the head of the home, is excessively influenced by or attached to his parents, especially mother. Such men are commonly referred to as ‘mama’s boy’, and findings show that most women married to such husbands despise the situation.

According to UK’s Metro and Grazia, some of the traits of a ‘mummy’s boy’ include acting like a child in his mom’s presence or while talking to her on the phone; running to her for counsel all the time, consulting her before taking any decision and if she shows up unannounced, especially at odd hours, he sees nothing wrong with it.

Other traits are if she opts to cook his meal and wash his clothes, to his delight; if she talks fondly about his former girlfriends to the wife; if he regularly talks about what the mother would have preferred even in matters that concern their immediate family; if he prefers to spend time with her; if he never contradicts her and if he never asserts himself in her presence.

Folashade, a Nigerian wife married to a mummy’s boy, shared her own not-so-good experience with her mom-in-law. In Folashade’s fifth year of marriage to her husband, whom she courted for about six months before they tied the knot, one issue that has repeatedly caused a fight between them, according to her, is his “strange” closeness to his mum. Folashade, a mother of two lamented:

“My husband is a lovable man, but how he seeks his mum’s consent before taking decisions and brings her into all our private discussions is what I can’t live with.”

Apparently not bothered by the picture it paints of her husband and mother-in-law, she expressed her anger to the listening ears of other customers, who in turn shared similar instances and gave suggestions. The frustration of Folashade could best be imagined.

She boasted that she had had confrontations with her mother-in-law for the third time in two months for always meddling in their affairs.

Trying to suppress her frustration, she added,

“How does a grown, married man, an adult, prefer his mum’s food to his wife’s? How can a man not have a mind of his own? He calls her every time to seek her opinion on issues that have to do with his immediate family and whatever she says is law, regardless of what I say.

“But I’ve made up my mind not to tolerate her excesses and overbearing attitude anymore.”

When PUNCH reporter asked if she didn’t notice the unusual closeness between them before she agreed to marry him, she said they never lived together and that though, he always talked about his mum, he often masked the obsession with talks about his mum extending greetings to me.

Given the negative impact such situation could have on a marriage as some women even seek divorce when the mother-in-law’s interference becomes unbearable, here are some tips by experts on how women married to such men could manage the situation:

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Learn to live with it: This could sound like a hard option to embrace but according to an associate professor of sociology, Franca Attoh, it might be a good way to deal with the situation. She pointed out that it is best for the woman to learn to live with it as she might not be able to change them. She said,

“She has to learn to live with it, because it is for better, for worse. I’m sorry I don’t believe in divorce and for me, if life is threatened, there can be separation. That is why I believe there should be proper introspection before people go into long-term relationships.

Marriage is work in progress and people are to keep working on it. You don’t run away, but keep adjusting and adapting. That is the hallmark of maturity.”

She added that a woman in such a relationship should know that she and his mother are married to her husband.

Don’t put pressure on him: There are instances where women in such marriages attempt to put pressure on the man to “be a man”; stay away from his mum or tell him to tell his mum to stay away. But according to Attoh, this could lead to a fresh problem between them as he tends to see her as trying to cause disaffection between him and his mother. She said,

“For instance, if he’s someone who was raised by the mother or she suffered to raise him, and the wife tries to pressurise him to stay away from his mum, he could hate the wife or believe that she doesn’t like his mum. He might think the wife is trying to cause disaffection between them and that could create its own problem. So, don’t put him under any pressure.”

Get busy: It’s a popular saying that the idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Attoh noted that sometimes, when married persons were not busy, certain things like infractions from other persons, could have profound effects on them. She stated,

“If you are busy, you won’t notice or be bothered by a number of things. If you go out in the morning and return home in the evening, you would probably be tired and won’t have the time to notice if someone is playing mummy’s boy or not.

At that point, sleep is the main thing that would be on your mind. That is one of the things I advocate; that people should get busy. It is when people have too much free time that they would notice how someone is looking at them.”

READ ALSO: Relationship Expert, Samuel Chukwuma Iwar’s Message To Women About In-Laws Is A Game Changer

Be her friend: Perhaps, a good way to handle the situation is to show love to the woman, according to Attoh. She added:

“In this kind of situation, love conquers all; don’t do anything that would seem like you are trying to separate them. Be her friend. That is the only way you can get a woman like that.

That was why I talked about people being engaged and having their own resources. The moment she sees that you are not depending on the son’s resources and you’re a busy person, gradually, she would let go. But when you start making trouble, she would dig in.”

Attoh explained that as the man gets older and sees that the wife is not making issues out of his closeness to his mum, he would gradually disentangle himself. “These are natural processes,” she added.

Pray about it: There is no hiding the fact that in this part of the world, there is a strong belief in the power of prayer, thus, the sociologist advised that such a wife could commit the issue to God. She said,

“In the west, their solution might be to seek a divorce because that is their own culture. They believe that marriage should not be endured. But that is not our culture, and the only time we think about separation is when life is threatened. Prayer is an option.”

She said the couple should be able to work things out between themselves and live a happy life. In addition, however, Attoh stressed that women who knew they could not cope with a mummy’s boy as husband should have looked for the signs and made sure they didn’t marry such a person. She said,

“It’s usually a difficult situation. To start with, the woman can’t say she didn’t know before she married such a man. What happens sometimes is that because of the pressure the society puts on the woman to marry, some of them overlook such things, believing the man would change when they get married.

But nobody changes after marriage. People only pretend and by the time the wedding is over, everybody returns to their normal mode. By the time you are going out with a man, you would have noticed that he’s that kind of person that takes permission from his mum before he does anything.

And when you are in that kind of situation, it’s your red flag. Know that it will be very difficult for you to have an ideal relationship with the man, because the mother would always be the third party between the two of you.”

She cautioned that while there is nothing wrong with a man going to his mum for advice in a difficult situation, when the man is completely tied to the mother’s ‘wrapper’ and can’t take a breath without consulting the mother, it is always bad for a relationship, especially a romantic relationship.

Furthermore, she said the mother would be the one dictating the pace of things. She equally advised such mothers to let their male children enjoy their independence. She said,

“A woman should know that she is not raising the male child to marry him, but to stand on his feet and build his own family. But women who are insecure find it difficult to take themselves out of the picture. They believe their son is theirs and they own him body and soul, even if he’s married.”