Dear MIM: What Would You Do If You Had a Husband Like Mine?
I’ve been married for 12 years and a mum of three boys.
In our compound, church and work place, people see my husband and I as a lovely couple. The truth is we argue a lot but people don’t know. I work and have been independent for some years.
I spend all my income on the kids and running the home which includes paying the maid. I don’t even buy myself lunch at work. I bear the financial burden of fixing the cars when they are down. I even get advances at work just to make sure that our bills are paid. I clothe the kids and myself.
Meanwhile, after I paid in two instalments to replace my problematic old phone, my husband told me that I am I wasting money. Whereas he keeps buying latest gadgets never mind no the financial pressure we are faced with at that time.
He always puts his interest first as he drinks, sleeps around in night clubs with male friends, not female, male friends. How did I know? I’ve tailed him several times. He’s so reckless that sometimes, he would park his car and spend the night at a filling station when he’s too drunk.
From my salary, I tried to save some money in an account so I can advance my education, but he wasn’t happy about it. He talked to the extent that I had to close that account and used the money to fund bills at home.
Last Saturday, after a function we had for his friend, he sat me down at home that night and told me some nasty things. He said that I have a bad attitude, can’t iron for him, can’t cook, I’m bossy, and I behave like I’m the man of the house, and that I don’t encourage him. He said that I don’t appreciate him, do I think that I can find a better man than him? Lots of stuffs were said. I told him that he should check his behaviour over the years to see may be he has contributed to it?
He told me he is tired of me, that I think I’m special, that I think I’m always right, and that there are better women out there. Since Saturday last week, he hasn’t called me, he doesn’t tell me where he goes, and comes in late.
I’ve suggested going for counselling together but he’s refused. I don’t know what else to do and how to move on from here. What would you do if you had a husband like mine? Please advice me on what to do.
Hmmmmm I am lost for words. But one thing I can never do is stop saving to further my education. Not possible. You made a mistake when you listened to him on that one.
Hmmm too many complicated marriage these days. Its really sickening and tiring.
Hmmmmmmmm, don’t even know what to say
Madaam communication n prayer is very essential. If he had bottled all dat up all dis years then u pple rilly av 2 talk so dat both parties can make ammends. His assertions may b rite afterall,probably u changed cos he wasn’t living up to expectation. Go on n talk it out. Men want us 2 b humble even if we u r financially independent. Moneywise jst learn 2 av ur own secrets n kip dem except u r d careless type
Hmmm! This is a tough one. You ve breast fed your man from being a man to becoming a baby and now you want to wean him? From the onset you should have let him carry his obligation as the man of the house. Now its too late to cry wen d head is off. Bcos you have decided to carry all the responsibility instead of him doing it, youve automatically turned yourself into the man of the house, pushing him to sleep out wt his male frnds.
My advice, save your money. Let him bear part of the burden at home like paying some bills. Keep your calm. Don’t act like a boss, don’t act like you are the husband cos dats his impression of you. Go to school, love yourself and your kids, be happy and let him see that you are happy. Don’t be a naggy wife. Just let him see you happy at all times. When he goes out to drink and comes back late or comes back the second or third day, just tell him welcome, dance to your music or watch comedies, laugh out loud wen you are happy. Free him and watch if he won’t come bck to you.
This could be very depressing..From your story,he doesn’t abuse u physically but emotionally.l would advise you ignore him.Use your money the way you’ll be happy and fulfilled since he is tired of you.His problem is inferiority complex.It’s not every man that can stand the success of a woman.
Sis i must say ur a strong woman to have tolerated him all these yrs,i suggest u involve both families
Yes i guess his right,weather responsible or not u’ve never given him a chance to assume responsibility of the home,imagine u fixing cars and clothing the kids no wonder he spends his money on frivolous things.he making sure u have no peny left for savings is on purpose so u don’t step on him when u get to the top.now that may not be ur intention but ur bossy attitude is giving him those signal.i don’t know hw much he knows ur colleagues or boss,would have suggested u tell him ur salary is delayed so u can allow him do little things in the home,if he ignores then u try hard to do same.better still,sit him down,appologise for not knowing u are giving wrong impression,then calmly talk him into drafting a budget plan whereby u both will play a part in offsetting bills.and see if he won’t change.all the best.
Stop paying his bills or doing stuffs meant for men. He’s the head n u re the neck. Take care of urself and ur kids n ignore him, don’t try fix cars he drove for him let him live to his responsibility. He’s an ingrate and a selfish type and please save money n go back to school n save for the future. Don’t let his word hold u back cause to me such men re enemies of progress. BE WISE
Please go back to school n save n invest for de future. Ignore him n stop taking up his responsibilities. Men need iron hand sometimes
Go for counseling, let him assuming his responsibility hence always present the list of the house needs. Pray for him too as well.
I mean assume.
I do agree that you made a mistake in giving up your education fund & by allowing him to get away with too little financial responsibility, as others have said here. In my opinion and experience, men will live up to the financial challenge you set before them, whether it’s big or small, when you give 100% moral and spiritual suport ( in prayer, not juju oh!). Please note that I avoided mentioning financial support. That one should be given sparingly and as needed, in my opinion. BUT what about the issue of his infidelity & homo/bi -sexuality? Can you live with that sort of thing in Your life? It’s the big issue in my view,because while you can obviously take care of yourself and kids financially, if the man infects you with HIV, you won’t be able to ‘un-infect’ yourself.And how will that affect your kids ? Till death do us part doesn’t mean he should kill you oh. Even the Bible says in 1 Cor 7:15 that if he wants to leave you, let him go. In this case with the health risk he poses to you, I advise that you use your tongue to count your teeth.
This is what almost every women experience in marriage…it is well
Stop paying the bills, save money and further your education.
You’re practically the head of the family and as far as am concerned, you don’t have a marriage. What you have is four boys to take care of and your 4th kid needs to got to the rehab.
Sandra that was funny
hmmm let him handles his responsibilities
sandra u re de person dat got it rite. my dear pls try to please urself and ur kids and ignore dat woman in mans clothing
I would pray for wisdom on how to handle the situation & ignore him totally. You did what you did because you thought it was for the good of your marriage and kids. He doesn’t want to go for counseling so what should you do? Counseling can help you harmonise issues. Peace.
Stop bearing his responsibilities let him step up and be the man….he is just acting like a petulant ,spoilt child
Like I’ll always say communication is the key in every relationship or union,talk to him and also put all ur hope in God(pray)
Talk things out and pray.
your husband is very jealous of you. he wished u were not educated and enlightened as you are. if he says you are too boss and behaves like the man of the house, then pls just let him be the man he claims to be by making him pay the bills and fix the cars when they r down. afterall its a man’s responsibility. and you know what, he is right about one thing tho. you will never get a man like him coz you will get a better man if he wishes to walk out on u and ur kids. and he will never find a woman of good qualities as you. just make him feel important and everything will be ok for kids sake.
Hmmmm
I understand what you are going through my sister and I really feel for you! Try as much as possible to make yourself happy, do not stop paying the bills because this man will not do anything about it and you will be disgraced out of the house, I know you will not endure it! It is inferiority complex that is his problem. Men are like that, when they cannot afford to take care of their families, instead of loving and appreciate the woman’s helping hand, they become jealous! Do it for the sake of your boys, try as much as possible to make yourself happy and take good care of yourself! Watch out, if you stop now, he will go physical by passing the stage of emotional torture he is giving you now. You know what, sit him down and have a serious talk with him, humble yourself and let him know that you love and value him as your husband; you can even tell him that your salary has been slashed or whatever, that you want to discuss the way forward for the welfare of the family. This talk should come when tension has cooled down and he is in a good mood!! Most importantly, commit it to God in prayers.