Dear MIMsters: Tired Of Enduring This Horrible Marriage But Can I Quit Considering This?

I’m 28 years old student and have been married for 11 years with 4 kids. The problem however is that anytime my husband and I have any misunderstanding, he beats me.

There was a time he beat me up and I left to my mum’s place. He came with his parents and siblings and they all knelt down to beg me and my Mum that he won’t lay his hands on me again. After that, I went back to the house but he soon started again. On one occasion, I was even bleeding in the middle of the night. My 10 year old son was my God-sent that night as he stopped beating me because of him.

The next day, I rushed down to human rights with the bruises on my body. He was invited, wrote an undertaken and was warned not to touch me again. But before we left human rights’ office, he collected the number of the woman handling our case, and the next time we were invited, the whole story changed. The woman started blaming me. This was the same woman that warned him and said he should write an undertaken oh. I was so surprised I got angry and left because I know he must have gone to bribe her. That was how I stopped going to human rights officials.

As a student, my late uncle was the one paying my fees. When he died, I had to miss last semester exams because my husband said he couldn’t continue paying because he knows nothing good would ever come out of me. My late uncle’s wife sent me 20k but I couldn’t raise the balance before the exams. I hope to go back to school if I have the money though I’m not counting on my husband to help at all.

He provides for the family, goes to the market to buy all the food items for the house and keeps saying I won’t lay a finger on his money. He is a graduate, has a Masters degree and is preparing for his PhD. He helps outsiders a lot but I can’t even remember the last time he gave me money to buy clothes for myself. My friends are the ones that give me good clothes to wear as my husband only buys clothes and shoes for the kids, and he does it by himself. I buy clothes for the kids when friends give me money so that my kids can at least see I also try to buy them things and love them.

The truth is, I’m tired of this marriage because I’m not happy and can’t endure anymore. My kids are tired too because my husband nags a lot like a woman. He went around and was telling people that I sleep with different men and that he caught me with a man in his bedroom. My son was even asking me, ‘Why is Daddy telling people bad things about you? May God forgive my Daddy.’

Last year when I traveled for my uncle’s burial, when I came back, I noticed some marks on my 10 years old’s body. When I asked my son what happened to him, he said, ‘Mummy, I was playing, so I fell and sustained injury.’ But I noticed my kids were acting so strange. I called all of them when he left for work and asked my son again what happened, that was when he opened up and said, ‘Mummy, promise me you won’t tell Daddy if not he will beat me.’ I had no choice than to promise my son, and he said,

‘Mummy, it was Daddy that beat me because I gave him food and he said the food wasn’t enough for him. He removed his belt and flogged me with it.

Mummy I was even begging him to allow me add more food for him but he refused, and after beating me, he called all of us and told us if we tell you, he will deal with us. Mummy, whenever we are talking to you, he always looks at us and nods his head – meaning if we tell you we are in trouble.’

After my son finished telling me, tears rolled down my eyes, and I told my son, ‘I will confront your daddy today’ but my boy cried and knelt down, begging me not to tell because I already promised him I won’t.

Since last year till date, he knows nothing about my discussion with the kids. Whatever he tells his people about me, my kids always tell me. There was a time armed robbers came to our house and made away with lots of things and he told his brother that I’m the one that organized the robbery. His brother’s wife called and was asking me what happened. I became confused, that was when she said, ‘your husband came to our house oo and was telling me and his brother that you’re the person behind the robbery.’ I was short of words, and confronted him but he denied I, saying that it was a lie. However, a week later, a mutual friend called me and repeated the same statement but he denied again when I confronted him. He was becoming violent, so I let him be.

Also, there is a lady who comes to our house every evening from 7. She stays till 10 and my husband always drives her home – that’s if they went to her house oo. He said they were mates in the university. I had to sternly warn the lady to stop coming to my house before that nonsense stopped.

Even though I’m not interested in him sexually anymore, he has not touched me for a year plus now and we don’t sleep in the same room. He moved my things out of his room and started locking it, so I sleep in my kids bedroom.

He irritates me. He took me to our place of worship and painted me black there, that I sleep with different men, and majority believe him. Honestly, I don’t have any feelings for him again.

My kids and I want to leave because we are tired of him calling me a criminal and prostitute wherever he goes and beating me up. He has told his brothers that used to send me money to stop and I don’t know the reasons he gave them but they obviously believed him to have listened to him.

My challenge now is that I am not working – still trying to see how I can become a graduate. My Mum can’t take care of me and my kids because she’s not fit to and my father is late.

One of my cousins has told me to stay and endure until when I start working so I can save money to move out with my kids and sustain all of us but how long will that take?

Please I am based in Abuja. If anyone can help find me a job, no matter how small the salary is, I will really appreciate it. I am searching on my own as well, but till I find one, what do I do?