Clinical Psychologist, Emma Citron Explains Why You Should Not Focus On Being Friends With Your Kid
We hear it all the time- how important it is to be friends with our kids and be as approachable to them as possible but can it be a tricky balance to achieve alongside parenting? We want to share our lives with them and share theirs too, along with their hopes and dreams â and to comfort them when they feel sad or scared. But how close is too close? There is research warning that parents who are too focused on being âbuddiesâ with their kids may also find it hard to enforce rules and standards.
HuffPost’s Victoria Richards spoke to consultant clinical psychologist Emma Citron to find out the best approach. Can we ever be âfriendsâ with our children? Here is her advice.
One advice that stood out was: As a parent, try not to overshare or labour your children with adult issues.
âParents can get over emotionally dependent on their children, particularly when theyâre in their mid to late teens, but also younger children, too,â
Citron tells HuffPost UK.
âIf a parent is unhappy or anxious or having mental health struggles themselves, then they can sometimes lean a little too much on their child â and thatâs not helpful. Thatâs not being a âfriendâ.â
Not only is it emotionally burdensome on a young person, says Citron, itâs inappropriate â the grown-up is meant to be the parent, not the child.
âYes, adults can share stuff thatâs happening in their lives, but it shouldnât be too emotional â such as, theyâre not getting on with their partner, or they hate their work â because thatâs using the child as a therapist or a substitute partner.â
Itâs not that difficult subjects should be banned, she adds, but that itâs important to be moderate when explaining whatâs going on to children.
âIf youâre experiencing grief, or have lost your job, then of course you can cry and tell them itâs normal to cry,â
she says.
âTell them no subject is taboo. But try to use moderate language â âI am feeling a bit stressedâ. Try not to alarm the youngster, because you donât want them to worry about it.â
Speak to a friend, partner or doctor about any bigger worries.
âItâs lovely to share positive experiences, and to prioritise the child and their needs, but be very wary of saying, âIâm strugglingâ to a child,â
says Citron.
âWhat you should be thinking about when it comes to your children is, are they struggling?â
Citron explains that your child has a private life too and that while it’s normal to want to know when thereâs something wrong in a childâs life, of course, so you can talk to them about it, she ssys it’s imoorland to respecially their boundaries and not go reading their diary for instance.
âChildren and teenagers also need privacy,â
stresses Citron. âTell them: âIâm always very happy to listen to whatâs going on in your life, but I also respect your privacy with your friends. You can choose to share it with me â but you donât have to.â Some people are just more introverted and need their privacy and space more than others. This goes for kids, too.
If children arenât given a healthy sense of privacy, they might not learn to âself-soothe, Citron adds.
âItâs important for all of us to self-manage and self-regulate our own emotional states. Itâs very much a part of growing up.
If youâre totally dependent on your mum or step-dad to come and save you, youâre not going to learn to deal with the normal knocks and bashes of life.â
She also warns against being âoverâ involved in your childâs decisions, as exemplified in the trends for so-called âhelicopterâ or âsnowploughâ parenting. This can play out into teenage or early adult life, she notes.
âSome parents put their kids on dating apps, or apply to the universities they choose for them.â
Above all, itâs important to be present with your child whatever their age. As Citron puts it:
âBe quiet around them, listen and give them the opportunity to talk if they want to talk â but donât put pressure on them to.â