The Onwubikos Dole Out Marital Advice To Intending Couples As They Share What Has Kept Their Marriage Going For Three Decades
Mr. Polycarp Onwubiko and his wife, Ngozi, who hails from Oraeri community in Aguata Local Government Area of Anambra State have been married for 30 years. Polycarp, a journalist, author, political analyst and a newspaper columnist, obtained his Master’s degree from the University of Nigeria, Nsukka (UNN) before tying the nuptial knots with Ngozi in 1990.
He retired as a Deputy Director (Administration) in the Anambra State Civil Service in February 2011 and has written about seven books on constitutional democracy in Nigeria. His wife is a civil servant with the Post-Primary School Service Commission [PPSSC], Awka, Anambra State.
In an interview with SunNews, the duo who are parents to four boys, narrated the story of their love life and what has kept their marriage going for three decades. They also share simple marital advice for intending couples.
Excerpts…
While we thank God for the miraculous thing He has done for you and your wife, could you tell us how you met before two of you got married?
Husband: She is from my hometown, Oraeri. Her father was my teacher in primary school. So, I had been interacting with the family. When she was at the Federal Polytechnic, Oko, I met and proposed and she agreed, though she initially said she would consider it. Later on, according to God’s plan, it worked out.
I was at Enugu then under old Anambra State. I was shuttling from Enugu to where she was to persuade her. It was after that, that Enugu was created out of old Anambra. So, our first child was born in the new Anambra.
Was it the same thing with you, or are there details you would like to add, at least on your own part?
Wife: That’s how it happened.
So, how has the journey of this marriage been so far?
Husband: Without sounding immodest, I am a Christian, a committed Christian. Having known that marriage is an institution established by the Creator of the universe, I am conversant with the Word of God, the Bible. When you go to Ephesians chapter 5 verses 22-32, it placed conditions for couples to have a peaceful marriage.
The Bible is a manual of life. God, being the Author of marriage, dwelt excessively on marriage in that chapter. If you are a Christian, you have to shape your life along the line of the Word of God. So, that’s the secret of the success of our marriage. We don’t have quarrels; we don’t have issues. We believe that God has been faithful to our marriage.
Was there any opposition from anywhere, relatives, friends, concerning your marriage?
Wife: There was no opposition. You know, our town is a small town. We know almost each other. My father was of the opinion that he was from a Christian family and he would want me to marry into the Onwubiko family. He gave his approval to the marriage proposal. I am from Onwuekwe married to Onwubiko.
What made you decide to go for your wife out of the many ladies available for a pick within that period?
Husband: As a young man, I mingled with other ladies. I would have married somebody from Ajalli (in Orumba North Local Government Area of Anambra State) but it was according to the will of the Almighty God that the one of Ajalli did not work out. I didn’t know that God had already prepared a partner for me: the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh, from my hometown. And she happened to be someone whose father taught me. So, it showed that it was God’s marvellous plan.
What qualities made you choose him above other eligible bachelors or suitors within that period?
Wife: He is a God-fearing man, gentle and he is educated. And I like his Christian life and how he looked at things is not the way the people of the world look at them. That’s what attracted me to him.
How did you propose to her? What exactly did you say to her as to make her accept to marry you?
Husband: I saw her and weighed her. I put her smartness into consideration. The first time I spoke to her was at the traditional wedding ceremony of my relative in her kindred. I called her aside and made proposal. She came from the Federal Polytechnic, Oko. She said ok but that she would consider it.
She wasn’t in a position to give me an immediate answer. I went back to Enugu. That time, there was nothing like (mobile) phone; it was not in existence then. So, I wrote her and she replied. We continued to exchange letters. I told my parents and they gave their consent. I went to her father and he rated me highly. He said that I was a good pupil (laughs). So, he was so happy that his pupil would be his in-law.
In order words, she accepted your proposal via a letter?
Husband: Yes! There was no phone then and from Enugu to Anambra State is far. It is not something you shuttle every time. We were exchanging letters.
What did you say when he proposed? What exactly did he say and what was your reply?
Wife: That I have considered everything and I give my consent.
What do you remember most about your wedding?
Husband: People came. It was a modest celebration because I was a civil servant then. I knew my onions. I don’t do things in a certain way so that people can praise me. No, I don’t do that. I do things within the reach of my income.
Wife: The joining together, the solemnity. The moment the ring was inserted into my finger. That’s what I remember most. That was the most important thing in the wedding.
Could you remember your first misunderstanding in marriage and how did you handle it?
Wife: One’s lifestyle as a bachelor or spinster is different from when they are married. When children start coming, one may get irritated by children’s noise. At a point, he told us to embark on holidays because the noise was too much. So, we went for holidays. It was not up to two days he asked us to return. He felt lonely. We went to our village while he stayed back in the town.
Husband: Marriage is the coming together of two persons from diverse backgrounds. So, it is not easy to harmonize. So, at times, the way she sees something might be different from the way I see them. In an effort to come to the centre of it, there might be some manifestation of frustration and anger. But through them all, we have always been guided by the Word of God.
What’s your spouse’s favourite food?
Husband: She likes rice. Women always like rice. (Laughs)
Wife: He cannot do without ‘swallow’. (Husband laughs again)
And, what do you like most about your spouse?
Wife: He doesn’t take nonsense. Once you do something or take action he did not like, he would scold you. For me, I don’t usually feel comfortable with the way he goes about it but within me, I know he is doing the right thing and he is telling you the truth. I like that aspect of him telling you the truth; it is what I like about him.
Husband: I like her dedication to Christian life. And that is what I had prayed for when I was single. I told God to give me a woman that will be committed to the Word of God. My parents were committed Christians. So, I wanted that Christian commitment to connect through us and through our children. So, she is an active participant in the church. She is a woman leader.
What areas would you like to see your spouse improve?
Wife: He is usually harsh when he wants to correct you. He scolds harshly. I would want him to adjust in that area. (Both laugh). I would want him to always overlook some things even if he doesn’t like such a thing or situation.
Husband: I am always anxious to see my children behave very well. I discipline them. And it paid off in the school. All of them are praised. God has answered my prayers.
I passed through hardship in life and I don’t want her and my children to pass through the hardship I passed through. You don’t have to pass through hardship before you gain knowledge. It’s good to learn from the hardship of others. So, I would like to see her improve in tolerating me.
What advice do you have for a young bachelor who intends to marry?
Husband: He has to be gainfully employed because money is the major rock of marriage. You don’t have to dabble into marriage simply because your mates have married or because your parents are pressurizing you. First, you must be gainfully employed. Whenever you start the journey of marriage, more expenses will rush in.
Children will come and mother-in-law will come to take care of her daughter when she puts to bed. She will come for omugwo as it is practised in Igbo land. When you get married, you don’t have to continue to live in one-room apartment. You move to at least two-bedroom.
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What advice do you have for a spinster who intends to marry?
Wife: She has to be faithful and submissive to her husband in everything. She must not allow third party into their marriage. If there is anything or argument, she needs to look onto God for solution.
She must not discuss her problem with people and maybe, expecting some advice or solution to whatever the problem might be. They might even wreck the marriage through the advice they gave her. She has to be open and transparent to her husband; obedient and submissive to her husband’s siblings.
What is the success secret of your marriage?
Husband: We usually sit down and plan our things based on the available income. We plan our expenditure. One of the things that lead to the collapse of marriage is that people are not serious with their Christian life. Life is something like science.
Once there are principles guiding every aspect of life, once you derail, the consequences would come up. Many people fail to adhere strictly to the principles of the Word of God. Secondly, there is the changing socioeconomic condition of the country owing to lack of good governance.
If government has been living up to its responsibility by providing the basic things of life to people, life would have been better. It is the lack of these basic things of life that cause problems in marriage. There is no water, food, employment.
You see a situation whereby husband and wife lose their jobs or one of them does and it becomes a bit challenging. Thirdly, lack of basic education. Many couples lack basic education. Education plays significant role in marriage. It makes you to reason properly and it also plays down on cultural inhibitions.
When you are enlightened you will see that there are some aspects of our cultures that have their roots in idol worship. Nature abhors vacuum. If you don’t fill yourself with the Word of God, demons will envelop your life. I advise people in marital relationship not to neglect the Word of God. It is integral to successful marriage.