Marriage Counsellors Share These Five Helpful Marriage Tips That Have Kept Them Out Of Divorce Court Over The Last 10 Years
Marriage takes a lot of work. For some, that effort might come a bit more naturally, making it seem easy. But for some others, the game of maintaining happiness in a long-term union is no simple feat, which is why over the last ten years of marriage, PureWow have been covering helpful marriage advice from all the experts and real-life experiences they can get their hands on.
Below are five tips that have literally kept their marriages alive the last decade.
1. Practice the 5:1 Ratio
Itâs normal to fight. But itâs how you fight that will determine whether your relationship is doomed or strong enough to last. According to a study from the Gottman Institute, the most compelling predictor of whether couples would stay together is the ratio of positive to negative interactions.
This is the 5:1 ratioâfor every time you say your husband doesnât read to the kids enough, you also offer five (or more) positive interactions. Those might be a kiss, a compliment, a joke, a moment of intentional listening, a signal of empathy and so on.
How to do it in practice:Â It sounds silly, but when youâre a rookie in the fighting fair game, try to count. You can even use your fingers to keep track. No need to hide it from your partnerâthey should be counting too.
2. Learn your love language
In his book The 5 Love Languages, marriage counselor and author Gary Chapman argues that everybody communicates love in one of five waysâwords of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch.
(Some even argue thereâs a sixth love language: social media.) Understanding how each partner communicates love and receives love will open the doors to intimacy and closeness.
How to do it in practice: Donât know what your love language is? Take this quiz to find out! (And then send the link to your partner.)
READ ALSO: Marriage Tip: How To Confront These 3 Inevitable Fears In Marriage – Expert
3. Talk about and schedule sex
In the beginning, you lived by the words of sex symbol himself, Elvis: âA little less conversation, a little more action, please.â But if youâre in it for the long-haulâweâre talking years, babyâthe spontaneity, attraction and desire waxes and wanes.
This is where being explicit about your needs and wants are absolutely important. Open the lines of communication about sex. Talk about what you want and listen to your partnerâs wants. It might even come down to penciling it in. Even when weâre in love and attracted to our partners, our day-to-day grind can be exhausting.
Permission granted to put a sex date on your Google Cal. Psst: If youâre working from home, no one said a little day sex was out of the question.
How to do it in practice: Relationship expert Jenna Birch guides us on how to talk it out. For example: âIf youâd love to have sex three times a week, but your partner prefers once a week, then you should aim for middle ground. And you have to actually work toward that number, so talk about what will make twice-a-week sex manageable for you.â
4. Spend quality timeâŠapart
A long marriage or relationship inherently means youâre going to be spending lots of quality time together. But the one thing people in happy relationships do every week? They split off.
Time apart gives each individual in the relationship a better sense of self and a more comprehensive, three-dimensional identity that exists outside of the partnership. This gives you fulfillment, as opposed to de-selfing, which can slowly corrode a relationship. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
How to do it in practice:Â Stop faking a passion for your partnerâs hobbies. Former PureWow editor Grace Hunt writes:
âFree time is sacredâand it doesnât make you a weaker unit not to share itâŠ.For years, we endured each otherâs respectively deplorable pastimes under the guise that we would be a lesser couple if we didnât. But now, weâve resolved to extract ourselves from the otherâs activities. And you better believe weâre boatloads happier for it.â
Yes, consider this permission to stop pretending you enjoy watching football.
SEE ALSO: Marriage Tip: How To Confront These 3 Inevitable Fears In Marriage – Expert
5. Apologize the right way
âIâm sorry if you felt that way.â âIâm sorry that happened.â âIâm sorry, but you started it.â Sound familiar? These are fauxpologiesâstatements of blame masked as apologies. Weâre all guilty of them because itâs difficult as hell to accept ownership over our behavior that hurts a loved one. But apologizing the wrong way doesnât heal your relationship. Instead, the wounds you leave to fester will wind up coming back to haunt you in the long run.
How to do it in practice: Follow these three steps for apologizing in a healing and positive way:
1. Acknowledge how your action affected the other person
2. Say youâre sorry
3. Describe what youâre going to do to make it right or make sure it doesnât happen again. Donât excuse or explain.