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Dear MIMsters: I’m Engaged But My Older Sister Isn’t. Is It Right For My Mum To Ask Me To Do This?

Dear MIMsters: I’m Engaged But My Older Sister Isn’t. Is It Right For My Mum To Ask Me To Do This?

I am 25 years old, engaged and about rounding up my National Youth Service Year.
I have been in a relationship with my guy for two years and we got engaged some months back. We have started making preparations for his family to see my parents.  Now, the problem is my immediate elder sister isn’t married yet and I know deep within me that she is not at peace with the idea of me getting married before her, although she is in a relationship.
Each time we ask her about her plans of getting married to her guy, she says next year but she has not made any move of introducing the guy to my parents. Sometimes, she doesn’t speak to anyone when asked about her plans because I know somehow her boyfriend isn’t really ready. He is a very young chap.
My mum called me some days back and was asking me about my fiancé, she proceeded to ask me if I could wait for my immediate elder sister to get married first before me. She said people will mock my sister if I do get married before her.
This has kept me wondering because I can’t imagine telling my fiancé that we have to put our wedding on hold because I want to wait for my elder sister. His parents are wonderful people, likewise his siblings and they are all so eager to come see my parents.
This is seriously eating me up as I believe we all have different destinies and the plan of God is always different. I want advice me on the right way to go about this. My mum is traveling down to Benin for a conference and that’s where I’m currently serving. I’m pretty sure she will bring up this discussion of me having to wait for my elder sister again.
Please advice me on what I should tell her and the right way to go about it without hurting anyone’s feelings.
View Comments (55)
  • Different destiny for different folks. I would advice you don’t wait for her, its your turn now, her’s would definitely come too. But please don’t be rude about it, make them understand in a calm way, that you don’t want to miss this opportunity of settling down and that the guy might leave you and you don’t know if you would get another soon. Your sister would definitely feel bad, but she will get over it. Or better still your parents (if they are capable) should fund her marriage ceremony with her boyfriend if they are ready. I have seen so many cases like that, so that the elder sister can marry first.

  • But I said she asked u if u could wait that doesn’t mean u r obliged to do so.i think u r just feeling dat it is selfish of u not to which to me u r wrong. Thank God ur mum is coming to ur place& I think she’s learned (u said she’s coming for a conference which sounds like d office is sending her ) talk to her in a calm voice mother to daughter .Tell her how u love d guy& a bird in hand worth more dan 10 in d bush.just b calm& not arrogant or hating ur sister I hope she wl understand so dat she wl not have 2 old maidens in d house. One other thing wen ur parents agree; u& ur fiance shld also meet ur sister wt a gift& ask for her blessing just to put ur conscience@ rest . whether she agrees or not is non of ur biz

  • I won’t advice u to wait for her my dear….. u know what is right for u, so do it and be at peace with yourself. everybody’s luck is different. Just because she’s older doesn’t guarantee her getting married first. I always tell my younger sister, if u are ready to get married, please do and don’t say because I am not yet, u want to wait. If your elder sister really loves u, she will let u marry, who knows u might be the one to open the door for her. I think u should tell your mum how u feel and tell her u can’t wait and it is your happiness that would be pending if u do. Cheers

  • Since its not a command she gave u, make her see reasons why u cannot wait. Overtaking is allowed o

  • It is very wrong to ask the younger to wait for the older to marry first, This is because, the younger getting married might open way for the older to marry. I remembered when I was engaged by my husband, my immediate elder sis was angry, bt she never showed that anger to me, instead she was telling my mum to ask me to wait a little before I get married, bt my mum refused and told her that she cannot stop God’s plans. Heavenly father has a special plans for every of His children, it doesn’t matter who marry first. We will all get there. Patients is the KEY.

  • You aren’t being forced abi? But even if you are still stand your ground. When your mum comes don’t wait for her to talk to u abt it. When the mood is right call her and tell her your guy and his family are eager to come do the rights and dat they should support you and not ask you to put ur happiness on hold for ur sister. Most guys can’t hold on for too long o. Everybody has their time. Call your sister too and ask her if she and her bf are planning to get married anytime soon, if not den go ahead with ur plans pls and pray.

  • Even twins don’t have the same destiny.. Talk to ur parent and go ahead and marry, you sister’s turn will come.

  • Explain to your mum about how you feel. There is nothing wrong with you getting married before your elder sis. Everyone has their own path.

  • Tender this before God, let Him know how confused u are so that he will direct u. I don’t see anything wrong in u getting married before ur elder sister cause ur destinies defers. While u are praying for yourself include ur sister too. God bless u.

  • My dear i will advice u to go ahead with ur marriage plans,u nd ur sister are nt d same remember dat opportunity come only but once do nt let ur own pass u by b’cos u are waiting for ur sister,when her time comes she will get married,there was something i used to tell my yonger sister wen i was single,i told them dat they should nt wait for me in marriage that if they see a man they want to marry they should go ahead b’cos our destiny are nt d same,so my dear maybe u are destined to marry b4 ur sis.My own advice

  • One thing you should understand is that we have different destinies. Times and tide waits for no man. Remember you will not blame anybody for your failures. Quit feeling pity for your sister. Make a quite but firm decision without disrespecting anybody. Your sisters time will come, but note that it is not now. Your time is NOW

  • Well wisdom is profitable to direct in all situations. I would suggest u convince ur mum to allow u do ur introduction at least in order to keep ur man. I have a feeling ur elder sister feels ashamed that u want to get married b4 her ,try convincing her that ur introduction is just formalty to keep ur man and u wud wait till she is married. Although if u give her an extra year and she does not settle down den go ahead with ur marriage. IT IS WELL , SHALOM.

  • you should make your mother and sister understand that you can’t put ur self on hold for ur sister to get married before you do, after all we all have different destiny, try to make the see reasons, I believe if ur sister love you she will understand

  • Evey body with his or her destiny I myself I got married before my elder sister so u see there is nothing wrong in dat so talk to ur mum to see reason with u

  • Dear poster, life doesn’t work that way o, I’m the last born but first to be married. I’ll be 4years in marriage tomorrow and I’m still believing God 4 my sisters marital breakthrough. I’ll u to go ahead with ur wedding plans but give ur sister respect due to her. I wish u well

  • What if the guy is not interested in waiting,will you tell him to go? What if your sister is not ready in two years, will you still wait? I think you should go ahead with your own wedding.

  • Please delay can be dangerous. Your fiance may fall unlicensed with someone else,please go ahead and get married. Your destiny differs and both of you are not competing With each other. I wish you all the best

  • You already said that your destiny cant be thesame with hers. Please dear don’t try to put God blessing on hold in your life.

  • my advice to u is to get married… husbands r scarce oh… or do u want to sit in d house with your sister… that’s even the worst… u have the opportunity now… use it wisely cos it comes once….

  • I really understand you poster. I’ve been in your shoes. I was faced with the same problem though in my case my two elder sisters were not married yet. It wasn’t easy but I called them and we talked about it. They willingly gave me the go ahead( they are very understanding) and blessed me. They even helped in convincing my mum. Today, one of them is also married. The other one will soon join. I advice you have a heart to heart talk with you sis. Tell her that it is not as if you wouldn’t mind waiting for her. Two of you should agree and then discuss with your mum. God’s grace.

  • if ur sister really loves u nd has ur best interest at heart she will not fall nd allow u fall alongside her.all u need do is have a calm heart to heart talk wit ur mum nd if it needs u seeking ur sis advice on d matter in a calm way den do so but if her reply turns negetive den go ahead wit ur plans just goes to show dat she doesn’t want ur progress in life nd dat will b wicked of her .don’t forget prayers.

  • Explain to your mum about how you feel. There is nothing wrong with you getting married before your elder sis. Everyone has their own path.

  • In my family we started from the last to the first. My younger sister got married at 19, i was still in the university then and my elder sister is already a graduate. Nobody in my family asked her to wait for two of us because we don’t believe in that. Two years later, during my service year i got married and my elder sister followed later on. During these two marriages, we were all very happy for one another and the thought of the senior getting married first didn’t cross our minds. That was God’s original plan for our family, so in my opinion, please tell your mum that this is God’s plan for your family. Who marries first doesn’t matter, that what really matters is your happiness and the blessings of both families. Maybe this move will awaken your sis and her boyfriend, but please don’t let anyone put a damper on your happiness. Good luck.

  • Hmmm my dear you said it all “destinies are different and God’s plan for everyone differs so let your understand that and your sis too who knows your marriage wil be an open door for her wish you all the best

  • God ‘s time is the best…I honestly don’t think you should wait for her…u guys have different destiny.

  • Just explain to your mum politely that destinies are different. You can only live your live as you can’t live another person’s life including your sister’. God will give to the wisdom to see this through.

  • My dear,its nt easy,I understnd ur feelings,as ur mom is coming today,put ur discussion wit her into prayer that God will go before you and soften her heart,when she comes quietly,calmly if possible wit tears in your eyes,explain and make her understand tins,let her reason wit you and you will see the miracle even if its a tradition of the land,God will change everything,wish u the best of luck

  • In my home we do the waiting to honour our elders but if the waiting is taking too much time…we take the bull by the horn n straight to the aisle.

  • Your destiny should not be determined by ur parents or ur sister,everybody has her own time for marriage,talk to ur mum and ur sister about it, if they refuse involve an eLderly man from the family,and don’t forget to pray for her.

  • Hes jealouse that you r helping ur sister but not to worry…If you have some thing specific u want to buy , then just tell him you want that thing and that this thing will make you so happy. Most men in their nature want to make the wishes of his wife real , so he will offer that if he budget enough , but remember to not look unhappy if he cant , this will make him turned off toward you , just kiss him and tell him dont worry and he will still remember to get it when he can. It’s just not right to feel less than your husband when you have to ask for tampon money! What is wrong with some men. humm pray about it

  • Delay can be dangerous,why would you have to wait for your elder sister to marry first?my dear everybody get him own destiny o

  • Plz dear talk to ur mum bcos destiny are clearly different…. Also talk to ur elder sis hopefully they will understand and see reasons with u.

  • Though you may go ahead and marry before her, her destiny shouldn’t delay yours. Yet it is necessary for ur mum to suggest so, simply because we are Africans, usually the cover covers the pot not the other way around. At the end of the day, we may call it sentiments but your mum isn’t the only mum that would do what she did. My position is that ur mum isn’t out of order but u have a right to be married since ure ready.

  • My sister go aheas wit ur weDdin o don’t make the mistake of waitin 4 ur elder sister

  • I won’t advise u to wait for ur sister to get married before u go ahead wit yours. Since God has blessed u wit a man who is ready to settle down now, just go ahead wit ur wedding. God will settle ur sister at her own time. But pls don’t b rude or arrogant about it wen discussing wit ur mum no matter wat she says even if it is contrary to ur plan. U can even talk to ur sister and make sure she’s not angry wit u

  • Please if ur guy is ready to get married to u pls do . Do u mean to tell me that if it takes ur sister’s guy 3 years to get married u guys will wait. Pls start firm and tell ur mum and family that u cant wait. When its ur sister’s tym to get married she will

  • This is your time. Go ahead and get married. You might wait and next year will pass by and the guy might even leave you. In the long run, your sister will understand. Good luck

  • Our destinies are different. In this situation you really have to seek the face of God bcos if you don’t approach the matter with wisdon your parents might kick against it and if you insist they might end up not giving their blessings. For African parents who are traditionalist and who like to follow the African custom believes that if the younger sister marries before the elder sister it might prevent the elder sister from marrying or that people might think there’s something wrong with the elder sister. In the eyes of God that’s not the same. It is not how we start a race but how we finish it. Pray before discussing anything with your mother. Make her understand that what if you wait and lose ur fiance in the process will that make her happy? Make her understand that this might be ur time and that if you go ahead with this, it might open the door for your sister to marry. If that doesn’t work, talk to ur fiance and see if he can wait one more year. Seek the Lord in prayer for guidance, direction on what to do. May the Lord see you thru.

  • My dear sister pls go ahead and get married, ur destiny and ur sister destiny are nt d same. Dat u are getting married b4 ur sis doesn’t stop or hinder her frm getting married when her time comes. Gudluck.

  • I dont think you should wait. Just explain to all concerned you could lose out if you delay . You can also get someone your mum respects to talk to her.

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