Dear MIMsters: How We Set The Boundaries For My Husband’s Mother
I would like to share my personal story on how my husband and I set the boundaries for MIL. This is in regards to the woman whose mom-in-law is pestering her to have a child
I got married in 2016 at 25, while my husband was 26. We were not pressured into marriage and we knew what we wanted in life. Hubby told me he would want me to get a Masters degree before having a child. He thought I would no longer be motivated to go for the degree after the baby comes and he didn’t want child bearing or marriage to hinder me from becoming the best in my career.
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We agreed on other things like becoming financially stable before raising a child as we don’t believe in the saying that, “a child brings wealth” like some Nigerians do.
Months after the wedding, my parents-in-law would indirectly talk about babies. My husband told them (laughingly) to take it off their mind as we won’t be ready until I’m done with my Masters. He also had started his PHD.
I remember my father-in-law say other family members asked them why we don’t yet have a child and our response was, “will they help us feed our kids and did we get married because of them”. They never really bothered us but would keep reminding us to change our minds. We would always laugh it off and tell them to play with the grandkids that they already have.
One day, my mom-in-law told us how she gisted with her friend and told her that weren’t ready for kids because of our studies. Her friend said it was a good idea because her daughter also did the same. I felt a bit offended because I knew mom in law brought up the child issue with the friend without being asked. I told my husband I didn’t like she was discussing our issues with friends but he didn’t react to it.
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What broke the camel’s back was when my sister told me that my mom-in-law told my uncle that we have refused to have kids, and told him to advice us to have a change of heart. I got really angry and I told my husband to caution her as it was getting too much.
I reacted badly and my hubby knew things could escalate if he didn’t fix things immediately, as he would only laugh it off with him mom whenever she brings up the issue. I told him we haven’t started trying for a child yet and they are alreading pestering us, what will they do if I actually have issues conceiving? Would I have to listen to talks about babies and pregnancy all the time?
That was it, and my hubby sent a message to his dad about how displeased he was to hear what his mom did. He issued a stern warning and his parents knew he was clearly angry. His mom phoned me and I could hear the regret in her voice as she apologized to me. She said she didn’t know it was that bad as her intentions were good. Infact, hubby missed her numerous calls and she panicked thinking he didn’t want to talk to her because of what she did.
I made her understand the position of our finances and asked her if she would like us to have a child and then call her from abroad to send us money for rent or baby’s food at all times. That was the last time I heard about the issue. We had our peace and everyone knew their places and boundaries.
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If my hubby hadn’t handled the issue, I would have told his mom how displeased I was myself. That is me. I say my mind at all times and my in-laws respects me for that and I also respect and accord them their respect. But, no one would make me feel sad or disturb my peace in my marriage whether it’s my parents, in-laws or my hubby himself. I’m saying this because the poster needs to be firm, assertive, and ensure that she is not pushed around and her boundaries well respected, if her husband fails to handle the issue himself.
Meanwhile, we are now expecting our first baby. While my husband is rounding off his PHD, he just got a fantastic job offer. On the other hand, I’m also rounding off with my Masters program very soon which, fortunately, is before the baby comes. Everyone is happy!