Psychologists Dish Out 10 Sure Ways To Respond To Silent Treatment In Marriage
Silent treatment is the opposite of communication in marriage, which has always been described as what oxygen is to life. Resorting to complete silence in marriage, as a way of getting back at a partner, after a disagreement or wrongdoing is probably as old as marriage itself.
From utter silence to unacknowledged greeting or messages and physical withdrawal-cum-unavailability, findings have shown that people use silent treatment as a potent tool of expressing their dissatisfaction with a partner, especially with the intention of making the person feel guilty or show some remorse.
In an interaction with PUNCH, a 42-year-old woman simply identified as Bimpe (surname withheld), who has been married for 12 years shared:
“It’s without doubt one of the cruel ways to treat a partner you claim to love. That issue has caused a major conflict between my husband and me. He’s a quiet gentleman and I don’t know if that is why he does that. Anytime we have a quarrel or minor disagreement, especially if I am at fault, he will give me the cold shoulder.
“He won’t reply if I greet him, he won’t eat my food, he won’t come close to me in bed; in fact, most times he moves to visitors’ room to stay until the issue is settled and if I send him SMS or WhatsApp message, he would read but won’t reply. That could continue for days and sometimes weeks. I’m getting used to it.”
According to Learning Mind, people who are wont to deploy silent treatment include people who are passively aggressive, knowing they are not good at having confrontations; people who are sad and troubled; people who are selfish and do not care how others feel or how their conduct affect others and people who are immature to know the essence of resolving issues than let it fester.
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The other set are people who like to play the victim and would rather attempt to blackmail people instead of taking responsibility when caught doing the wrong thing. They say things like, ‘I know you hate me’ or ‘there is nothing I do that you don’t complain about even though I give my best’, and they then use the silent treatment to reinforce it.
Speaking on the topic, a professor of psychology, Oni Fagboungbe, said people across gender do it and that it is a product of their personality. He said,
“Whatever behaviour we exhibit is a function of our personality makeup and we acquire our personality from either our parents through genetic endowment or the environment. If a wife or husband loves becoming reclusive after a little quarrel or disagreement with the partner, the way out for them is silent treatment and the reason why they do it is because they want the partner to feel the effect.”
But, Fagboungbe noted that the best way for a couple to resolve any disagreement is for them to discuss their reservations so they could both live in peace.
He added that if silent treatment persists, it could degenerate into other problems in the marriage. It somewhat aligns with the popular saying that refraining from talking to your partner could be a silent, unintended way of teaching them to live without you. He said further:
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“As it is growing and the person is not talking, it could lead to what we call pent-up aggression and it would keep on piling up. So, if you don’t make efforts to stop it, it can lead to what we call escalation of conflict and so many bad thoughts could be coming to the person’s mind. The two of them should understand themselves and they should nip it in the bud.
The ultimate solution is for couples to embrace effective spousal communication. If it’s the man that is offended, instead of resorting to silent treatment, he should be able to take up the courage and discuss the issues with his wife. And if it’s the wife, she should point out her reservations to the husband, and whoever is at fault should apologise.
Apart from the fact that it would bring about peace, it could prevent a recurrence. But when you don’t talk about what you are angry about, the person might not know what got you angry. People should not hesitate to say sorry.”
Fagboungbe also pointed out that if someone deploys silent treatment as a way of expressing their displeasure, it could harden the partner, given that it has become a predictable reaction. Thus, the person on the receiving end may get angry instead of trying to make peace, especially if it had been incessant.
He therefore stressed that when the two of them become impervious to changes, it would keep on escalating and that things could assume a worse dimension. He said,
“It could harden the person. Any behaviour that continues perpetually becomes incorporated into the behavioural repertoire and once it gets to that stage, either of the partners may get classically conditioned to the extent that when the person does it, the partner could chuckle and say ‘he has come with his attitude again’. That alone could be inimical to their co-existence because it could keep up germinating.
“The partner may get used to it, and therefore the effect the other person is expecting that behaviour to produce may no longer be produced. You may ask what happens after that. If it gets to a stage that the partner is no longer feeling the effect, then, the person may condition themselves gradually.
“When the weapon is no longer powerful, the tendency is for the person to change tactics or it could get worse. That is why it’s not good to leave it unattended to.”
Also, an expert in Applied Human Psychology, Dr Petra Boynton, told UK Telegraph that there are ways to respond if their partner is giving them the cold shoulder. She said in theory, people may want to carry on, but that it could be difficult.
Therefore, she advised that when all is well, the partners of such persons should talk to them about the dangers of their action (withdrawal) on the relationship, the impact on the children and more importantly, the wrong message or lessons the children could be learning from their parents’ lack of communication. She added,
“Sometimes, talking it through is enough to show a partner their actions are upsetting. They might want time to reflect on your words and later talk more about how they feel. Tell them the next time they freeze you out, this is how you will act: you’re going to acknowledge they’re upset but you will be leaving them alone until they are able to talk.
During the time your partner is not speaking to you, carry on with your life as normally as possible. Stick to your usual routines; if you have kids, carry on with your usual childcare responsibilities. None of this is easy. They may become more difficult if they aren’t getting attention.
You may find it hard to carry on as normal when it may feel not giving them attention is akin to you now freezing them out. Talking to friends and family about how you are coping, or even seeing a therapist yourself may be useful while you learn to leave your partner to address their issues.
Sometimes it takes a few trials at ignoring their cold shouldering for them to realise it is not going to get them attention and for them to think about other ways of getting help for themselves.”
Meanwhile, speaking on the issue, an emeritus professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, Susan Krauss Whitbourne, stated that people should be mindful of how they treat partners who have such tendencies. She says it is important to let the partner know they are held in high esteem.
She explained that when people with such tendencies feel their partners do not really care about them or respect them, it breeds doubt in their mind about the genuinty of the loss they profess, thus they withdraw to preserve their sense of self.
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She said, in her piece on Psychology Today,
“You will feel cynical about it if you believe your partner doesn’t really care about you. This cynicism, in turn, is what prompts the silent treatment. You will withhold your ideas, information and opinions as a way of reducing your state of dissonance.
“In relationships, as in the workplace, this means that if you are treated unfairly, you will use the passive-aggressive state of silence in an effort to defend your sense of self in a way that is less risky than speaking out about the unfairness. You can’t get in trouble for what you don’t say, as this reasoning goes.”
Giving her suggestions on the best way to respond to silent treatment, she said,
“It is about how much you allow your partner to feel a sense of self-worth and pride as a person. The underlying issue of self-esteem, and how much you allow your partner to have that positive identity, is what creates the sounds of silence when something goes wrong.
“To sum up, if your partner gives you the silent treatment more than you feel is reasonable, look inward at how much support you provide for your partner’s self-worth. Both you and your partner need to feel this deep sense of value to have a fulfilling relationship that lasts over time.”