Dear MIMsters: I Thought I Would Get Better But I’m Not

It took me a lot of courage to do this. I have so many things I’m struggling with, from anxiety to not knowing how to articulate my thoughts / feelings into words, to feeling rejected, not feeling loved and all. I literally have no one to talk to because the few people around me don’t even understand the depth of my situation. After the birth of my son, I thought that I would get better but I’m not.

I’m tired of complaining to my husband. He’s a good man but I think he has no clue about what I’m going through and I don’t want to be a bug. He has done his best by rushing our house so we can be together as we weren’t living together before. He came home on weekends.

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I’m overly sad. I cry myself to sleep most of the time without anybody knowing ( I’m not depressed). I’m disconnected, always pessimistic and thinking about death, like I’m going to die any moment from now. It makes me so scared and it worsens at night. I struggle with heart palpitation, lightheadedness and feel like I’m going to die anytime I close my eyes to sleep. I think this has even affected my health because I barely sleep, so now I’m always feeling so tired. I’m stagnant, I feel like I’m a bad mother because I don’t even know if I’m raising my two sons right. I’m just tired of life but at the same time not suicidal. I know this because I’m so afraid of dying and leaving my children behind.

Nobody seems to love me or maybe that’s what I think. Because my thinking is so messed up, I find it very hard to ask for help from the right people because I think they might just think I’m looking for attention. I have been struggling to message so many people, including this page. I might have typed the message and the next minute, I’ve cancelled it. I’m just tired I need actual people and friends to encourage me but I’ve got none. I just think I worry too much and I need a way to stop but I can’t, my brain won’t allow it. All these started like a month or two after a gave birth to my last born. I thought it would get better but he’s over a year old now and I’m not getting any better. I need help.