Dear MIMsters: My Marriage Is A Nightmare & Now In Love With A Married Man. How Do I Fix This Mess?

I need help because I am so confused and don’t know what to do.

I got married at 23. My marriage is almost 7 years old and I have two kids. When I was courting my husband, I took in for him twice but he demanded abortions, saying he was not ready for such responsibility. After several quarrels, each time, I aborted.

After the second abortion, I had serious complications and the doctor warned me never to attempt an abortion again. Subsequently, I begged my husband to please always use a condom but he refused. He always withdraws but somehow, I got pregnant again. He again demanded an abortion but I refused, reminding him of the doctor’s warning and how much I always begged him to use condom.

Out of desperation, I went to an uncle of his and told him everything. He brought in other members of the family who stood by me, especially my mother-in-law. With a lot of pressure from his family, we finally did our traditional marriage when I was 5 months pregnant. We still haven’t done our church marriage, but our traditional marriage was the beginning of my nightmares.

Every time we quarrel, he reminds me he never wanted this marriage. We even sleep in separate rooms since I had my first child. He abuses me verbally, emotionally, psychologically. He beats me up at the slightest provocation, he is a core womanizer – I thought all that would end when he is married and has responsibilities, but no. He even slept with my friend for months under our roof till I found out. He has slept with my house girl, and even after I sent her away, I found out from his phone that they are seeing each other.

I have been through hell in the name of marriage, and broken down emotionally. I have even got to watch recorded video of him having sex with different girls on his phone – he records and saves them on his phone.

So, 4 years ago, I met a man on Facebook. He is married but his kids and wife stay in the US. He asked me out but I kept refusing because I just couldn’t cheat even though I wasn’t happy. But during one of those times my husband beat me up (I was going through a lot of pains, both physically and emotionally, and had a swollen face), the man chatted me up and I replied. Somehow, I spilled my ordeal and he was shocked when he saw my face. He immediately sent me 15k to go to the hospital and I did.

Afterwards, we started dating. I don’t regret it one bit. He became the happiness I have never had, he changed my looks, took care of my every need, he even took care of my kids. We fell deeply in love with each other and he was always there for me, even till now.

I sometimes feel bad because of his wife but I can’t help it. I always pray for God’s forgiveness. I make sure he still loves and cares for his family. I am currently running a diploma in a catering institute, and he is the one footing the bills.

However, my problem is that I know I have no guaranteed future with this man because he is married and I can’t keep living like this. I want a normal and responsible life. I love this guy so much but he has a family to go back to someday. I have no means of income yet except for the birthday and wedding cake jobs I get sometimes. I feel like running away. I want to leave my marriage.

I told my husband once but he told me I can go but can’t leave with his kids and I can’t leave my kids behind either. I don’t know what to do and need your advice. If I run away with the kids, I am afraid of what will become of us as I have no lucrative means of income to take care of them. They are the reason we have tolerated each other for this long. My marriage is a war zone.

Last week my daughter opened his laptop when he wasn’t home and I was tempted to go through his laptop. I discovered he invites girls from all over Nigeria to visit him at his workplace. He works in another town while I live in Port-Harcourt. He is even dating a lot of married ladies. I don’t know what to do with my life. I am suffering emotionally. Please advice me.