Dear MIMsters: I’m Struggling To Be Happy Again After This Ugly Incidence

I’m kind of down emotionally and need to talk it after this life changing ugly incidence. This is a long read. When growing up, I made a decision never to be like my mother. I am quite the opposite of her, I will say. She’s so kind hearted, too considerate and as a result, people take advantage of her a lot, mostly in her business. At home, dad makes her feel like she’s useless because of her failed businesses. So, I told myself that I will be in charge of my life, my relationship, everything. I would make opinion known and it must stand, no matter what and I must make my own money.

I decided to read books, join groups that empower women. Yes, I am smart, intelligent, always have ideas but stubborn, very quick to anger and bossy. I don’t take nonsense from anyone, mostly men. I wanted to study law but I studied something else.

When I was in school on January 31, 2016 I said yes to my ex boyfriend who practically adored and called me boss lady herself. He wouldn’t make any business decision without involving telling me because he knows I always have great ideas.

Our relationship was going smoothly, we understood each other and were best of friends. But towards the end of 2016, I took became pregnant. I told my ex and he was happ. He said if I was Ok with it we should have a family introduction but I said I wanted it removed because I wasn’t ready.

After I was given the injection that really hurt, I started losing interest in the relationship. He always wanted to know what was happening, he even suggested we go for counseling but I’ll always objected.

January 19 2017, the worst happened. On this day, I got raped and it broke the camel’s back. I told my ex the next day and we went to some hospitals to see if I could get the exposure drugs. Luckily, on the 21st, I was referred to doctors without borders were I was taken care off and even placed me on counseling. My ex was so supportive but the issue was me. I was so broken that I was always picking on him for everything. I felt like he was there for me out of pity and I hate pity. I always told myself that I am a strong girl with a strong heart. My ex really tried and I must say he is a real man, but I was losing interest. I didn’t complete my counseling sessions and I didn’t tell him until I travelled for my IT.

On most nights, I’ll have flash back. This depressed me and I couldn’t talk to anyone over there. I was always pouring my frustrations on my ex who suspected I wasn’t keen on the relationship anymore. The day I shouted at him was the day he made up his mind to let me be. He waited until I returned from my IT and told me that it would be better we go our separate ways because it seemed like he was forcing me. Honestly, I truly loved but I couldn’t help it. Due to my pride, ego, or whatever you call it, I couldn’t beg him to stay. I let him go but we remained friends.

I decided to stay alone for sometime. I didn’t wish to go into another relationship. I was still suffering from the post trauma. I know I had anger issues before the rape incidence, but it worsened. I became oppressive and started hating myself. I saw myself like I had lost my value. I’ll kill that bastard any day I see him for what he did to me. Why me of all people? I decided to go back for counseling.

On the 10th of November 2018, I was having one of those emotional breakdowns, so I decided to chat up with a family friend whom I’ve always liked. I noticed that whenever I’m having this breakdowns, I become very vulnerable, so I try my best to stay indoors, avoid going out or talking to friends, so I won’t do anything stupid.

I’d told this family friend that I was coming over the next day. I’ve always liked him since my secondary school days but because he respects my family alot he decided to keep his feelings about me to himself, besides he always saw me as that little girl.

On the 11th November 2018, I stopped by at his place as always but this day was different. We didn’t make out but we started a relationship and I was so happy. I have always loved him and still do. But it was a short lived happiness. On the 29th of December 2018, I ended the relationship due to religious differences. It was the very first time I cried in front of a man. I’d never done that before because I wouldn’t want to lose my self value. I regret leaving the relationship but I tried getting over him.

Honestly, it wasn’t just religion that made me leave. I was scared that the flash back thing would come up again and I’ll lose control and lash out at him. I am scared of myself because I love him honestly. Most times when we talk, he tells me that he misses me. I miss him too but I can’t get his hopes high cause am so unstable. I’ve tried getting him off my mind. I’ve traveled like I always do after a breakup or want to clear my head. I’ve got really busy with work, read books and what haven’t I done. I’ve also prayed but none seem to be working. The more I try, the harder it gets to forget him.

I don’t know what to do anymore as everything in me keeps telling me to go and make up with him but I keep telling myself that it will be belittling off me to go and beg a man. He always wants me to me happy. I just need an advice. Should I go back to him and be ready to adjust to his religion? He is a Jehovah Witness member. What do I do?

Secondly, since the 19th of January, I’ve been having those moodswings the same period the rape occured. I wish to be happy but will I ever be myself again? Will I ever heal? I am scared really. Has anyone reading this ever been in my shoes? How did you cope?