Dear MIMsters: HELP! My Dilemma Is That I Love My Husband Yet I Hate Him So Passionately

I need help and I need it urgently for I am afraid I may do what would get me into trouble with the law. I love my husband dearly, yet I hate him passionately. I cannot stand him because he repulses me and that scares the hell out of me.

My marriage will be 7-years in a few months time and it’s had lots of ups and downs but I hanged in there. My husband lost his job 9-months after we got married and I have had to fend for the family since then till last year December.

In the over 5-years of his joblessness, he refused to pick up any other job saying he would rather run his own show. OK then, run your show. He registered a company, launched out but he kept getting disappointments every where he dropped his company profiles. He became depressed and frustrated yet I stood by him.

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And how did he repay me for my support? Infidelity, emotional, verbal and physical abuses were his rewards to me. With the phone I bought for him, the data I provided for him and in the house I was paying its rent, he would spend all day and night chatting with strange women and if I complained, he would abuse the hell out of me. I became frustrated so much that it started telling on my job. I got queries a few times at work but somehow, God came through for me. I refused to confide in anyone because I believed I might have been the problem. I mean, this was a man that had a great job and just 9-months after he married me, everything came crumbling for him. In every way possible, his family members made it known to me that I was bad luck to their son; coupled with the fact that we TTC for 4-years. Oh! I was miserable but couldn’t talk to anyone.

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With the arrival of my son, I learned to look the other way while he continued disrespecting our marriage. My son became my consolation and hubby’s escapades became inconsequential to me.

Fast forward till last year December, his company registered its first major deal that ran into millions of Naira and shockingly, my husband became a saint. He completed the deal on time, got paid his balance and he began to pamper me. He paid a huge sum of money into my account, he bought me a car, took me out shopping and paid for all I bought for my son and I. He refunded every rent I had paid till date and assured me that henceforth, I would not need to spend my salary on the family if I did not wish to.

He prostrated before me and asked for my forgiveness crying. He promised never to go back to his old ways. He proposed that we renew our marital vows saying we got off on the wrong foot. He declared that he wants us to start all over again but I think it’s all coming too late.

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This is because I have grown to hate him with a passion. I detest him, and feel repulsion every time he comes near me. I hate to hear his voice in the house and yet misses him if he is out of the house. I also sometimes wish him dead but fear being a widow or having to raise a fatherless son. He sees the way I look at him with disgust sometimes, and in fairness to him, he has not stopped apologizing for all the wrongs he did to me but it all doesn’t seem enough for me. I want to leave him yet I don’t think I can bear to be away from him.

Help! I love my husband but I also hate him passionately!!!