I want to know how to handle my abusive father.
My father started hitting me when I was eight years old. I am currently 23 years old and the beating has not stopped. I have tried talking to him about it and registered my displeasure but he always laughs it off and says he is my father, he can hit me and I won’t do anything about it.
Over the years, I have talked, cried about it, I have even talked to my mom who has quarreled with him in front of me about this issue. Only for me to find out that she uses that Avenue to be on good terms with him.
I am an early bird and I have noticed once he hits me, the next morning around 4 am, my mom after talking about it the previous night, starts gisting and laughing with him, calling me names in order to get money from him.
This has gone on for years. I noticed recently that I have become so depressed about it and now have suicidal thoughts.
Whenever I try to talk about the beating and how it is affecting me, my parents laugh and make jokes about it, thereby being dismissive of my feelings. I don’t bear any grudges against my mom because she grew up with an abusive father and doesn’t know any better. She just lives in a bubble being dismissive about her life while using the Bible to camouflage the whole situation.
The situation is so bad that my dad now uses the beating to joke in the house. He tells my younger siblings that he will hit them the way he hits me. I die silently when he makes such utterances.
I am a medical student at the university and I work when I’m back from school, but due to COVID, I couldn’t secure any menial job. Instead, I go to the library to read or sometimes stay at home to do some research about master’s education.
I feel so helpless in this situation as people are bound to disbelieve me when I talk about it because they can’t fathom how a father would treat his child like that.
I walk on eggshells in my house and I do a mental calculation of what to say before I say it or do it. My dad doesn’t go to church so I can’t talk to his pastors as he doesn’t have one, and he is not in good terms with his two siblings, so, I can’t contact them.
My mom who during our growing years went through hell in his hands, (I was her support system then) uses the Bible to dismiss my feelings and doesn’t acknowledge them.
How do I cope? I would appreciate any coping strategies till school resumes. I want to know how to deal with this situation as I now cry even in the bathroom and I feel like I am in the middle of an ocean drowning and no one can help me.
P/S: I am not a stubborn child. My father has never been in a position to get me out of any trouble. I don’t know why he keeps hitting me for any little mistake at home. He feels manly when he hits me or my sister.