Ex-Commissioner, Adewale Adeoye Educates Bachelors As He Tells His Journey To Becoming A Family Man And The Responsibilities That Comes With It
Former Oyo State Commissioner for Water Resources, Adewale Adeoye, has shared his journey to becoming a proud father and the responsibilities that come with it.
The father of three in a chat with PUNCHng, also educates bachelors on the requirements for marriage.
At what age did you marry and become a father?
Fatherhood is a process during which you raise children from the mercies of Almighty Allah after getting married. I married at the age of 32 and became a proud father at 33.
Was getting married at 32 right for you?
Yes, I married at the right time. I married at a time when I was mature, having completed my basic education to the master’s degree level and had gainful employment.
Having gainful employment is a major factor considered by young men, irrespective of age. Do you think it is the best way to plan?
My advice to the youth nowadays is that they should seek the face of God, work hard, and be prayerful to God to give them their wife, who will be like their sister, mother, and confidant. With these, money will come, and marital life will be joyful. They shouldn’t see money as the only criterion for marriage.
As a public servant, how do you manage your duties and obligations as a father?
As a public servant, all is well with God, and with God and hard work, all things are possible. Firstly, I’m very grateful to God for all his mercies over me by providing a good job and an understanding family. With these blessings, I can discharge my responsibilities as a father and family man.
Did you witness the birth of any of your children in the labor room?
The only time I accompanied my wife to the labour room was when we had our last child and that happened at a university teaching hospital, Ibadan, Oyo State.
I was close to the labour room but not inside the labour room because the experience was something I won’t forget. When I heard her shout Allahu Akbar (Allah is Great), I knew that she had delivered the baby and I thanked God for that.
Do you consider yourself a disciplinarian?
Actually, my children are very disciplined and most times, they don’t misbehave. But if they do, I believe I just need to sit them down and talk to them, give fatherly advice that can change them for their benefit and society.
What has your experience as a dad taught you?
My experience as a father has taught me many things. Firstly, you have to be Godly. Secondly, you have to be firm in decision-making, and at times, your level of perseverance has to be very high. That’s the only way you can turn out to be a good father and tutor your children to be good as well.
What values learnt from your father are helping you in parenting?
I learnt from my father that you have to be Godly. You have to believe that there is God and you have to pray. As a Muslim, my father is a devoted one, and right from our childhood, he trained us on how to be prayerful. Again, hard work is the keyword. My father, as a trained trader, is a disciplined man so he instilled discipline in all of us.
As early as 5am, we used to wake up to say our prayers at the mosque and thereafter, come home, rest a bit and get prepared for the trading activities. So, we learnt from him that one has to be very hardworking, very prayerful, very unassuming, and very truthful. My father doesn’t like lies at all. If you do that, you would be scolded for it.
By being hardworking and truthful, then you can train whoever you want to train with that. When we started school, before the beginning of a new term, and as soon as we had our list of books, my first assignment was always to start reading my books even before school resumed.
There was nothing we lacked as far as education is concerned. I learnt a lot from him. He used to tell us when we wanted to get too relaxed that he would have received a better education if his dad had been able to raise enough money. From that, we knew that things are very difficult in life and we had to be serious with our education to make it in life.
As a dad, what is the most cherished gift you have received from your children?
As for receiving gifts from any of my children, when my daughter, Fatimāh, was taking part in the National Youth Service Corps programme, she bought some fabrics for me because she served in the North. I was excited and grateful for that because it was a very special gift that I cherish.
The same thing with her brother who happens to be in the United Kingdom now. He often sends a lot of gifts which I cherish. I’m happy to be the father of responsible children. On my part, there is nothing they want that I don’t do for them.
That is one of my promises to them and as God wanted it, I have God-fearing and respectful children. Any small gift I’m given by any of them, I cherish it and I have been receiving many from them.
As a father, how do you resolve disagreements with your wife? Do you usually involve a third party?
You know we are bound to have disagreements as husband and wife, just as there’s bound to be differences between the tongues and the teeth and no one settles them. Anytime I have differences with my wife, I sit her down and tell her that I do not like a certain thing she did, explain it to her and we talk it over.
I don’t allow a third party to be involved in my immediate family affairs. It’s not a good idea because you don’t know who likes and who doesn’t like you. Anytime any disagreement happens, we sort it out and do not allow outsiders to come between us.
How do you celebrate your children when they make you proud?
All my children are always making me proud of them. How? When you have a child that listens to you and takes your advice and works hard, you’ll be proud of that child. What I used to do for them, especially when they were in elementary school, was to tell them that when they came first in their exams, I would buy them bicycles or toys that I knew they cherish, so they would always want to outdo one another.
When they were in primary through secondary school, that was how we did it. I also take them out especially when they are on holiday. When any of them didn’t do well in certain subjects and I take them out, I do not buy more for that child so that they won’t be satisfied with their poor academic performance.
All of them always want to outdo one another and with that, I encourage and celebrate them, especially my daughter. In fact, she surpassed my imagination when she graduated with a second-class upper. Her cumulative grade point average was close to a first class, which was the same thing I had during my first degree at the university. I cherish her very well and am super proud of all of them.
How else do you bond with your children?
As for bonding with my children, I stated that I’m a traveler and I work nearly everywhere. Most times, I do two or three jobs. I’m not always around in the house with them but whenever I’m around, I stay with them indoors or we go to eateries, though I don’t like eating at eateries, but because they like it, I take them there and they can take whatever they want to take.
Children love rice, chicken, ice cream, and all of that. Also, when some of the eateries add some gaming to their services, my boys like that. The bond between us is very strong and they always wish I’m always around.
In what other ways do you influence their education?
Education is the only legacy any good parent should give their children, so I don’t play or toy with my children’s education. I pay their school fees as when due and buy them books. In fact, all of them, except my only daughter, attended a boarding school for their secondary education.
We pay for their boarding tuition and everything they need. Immediately they request anything needed at school or I’m informed by their guardian, I respond immediately because I don’t joke with education and because that is the only thing you can give to your children.
Building houses, buying vehicles, and buying properties are not good things to bequeath to any reasonable child. Education is the bedrock. When you train them, they can become anything in the future. I don’t joke with my children’s education.
Even when they are on holiday, I employ extramural teachers for them, especially in core subjects I know they are interested in, for example, for a child who wants to study engineering, Physics, English, and Mathematics are important.
So, I encourage them and I don’t tolerate indiscipline towards their educational advancement. Education is the pillar of my being and that is the only thing that you can do for anybody that wants to better their own lives.
What advice do you have for young couples who wish to get married?
For would-be couples, especially the young ones, my advice would be that they should have a source of income. That is very important for them. If they have a very good job, they will enjoy their marriage. It is also important for couples to get a good education because, with that, they will be able to understand, cooperate, and tolerate each other.
Without good understanding, no marriage will work. My advice to them is that they should have a very good understanding of themselves, be Godly, be prayerful and they should settle whatever they have between themselves without a third party.
Marriage is another school entirely and they need tolerance to scale through. They need to tolerate each other because they are from different backgrounds with different parents and upbringing, so they came together to know one another and they have to know that even twins that are from the same father and mother have differences.
There’s no way you can separate differences from marital life but the most important thing is that they must have a high level of tolerance and with that, they’ll have a successful marriage.
Do you miss being a bachelor?
I really miss being a bachelor but whatever has a beginning needs to have an end. One cannot be a boy for life. When I was a bachelor, I didn’t have any responsibilities. I went from my workplace to my friend’s place and could sleep over without having anyone to question that. That is one good thing about being a bachelor.
You can travel without notice and you don’t care about anything because it’s only you and there’s no one at home. I used to attend parties very well. The only thing that I guarded against when I was a bachelor was bad company. I have very serious friends because I was a serious student and that helped me a lot. As a bachelor, I had a good job because I finished my master’s degree before I got married.
While I was working, I had an official car, a driver, and a cook since I worked in a very good place. But at a time, you know that you need to raise your own family and a major decision I took was that I would not be 50 years old and still be looking for admission for my children.
So, that made me settle down at the age that I mentioned earlier. I enjoyed my bachelorhood. In any event, I’m a senior bachelor because where I work, I do travel a lot so I think to some extent, I have continued my bachelorhood, only that it’s now with more respect and responsibilities.
What are the responsibilities?
The difference between when I was a bachelor and being a father now is that I have to put my family first. Whenever you have anything, you should know that your family has to be taken care of first and there’s no way you’ll go out and not call them to check up on them, let them know that you’re on your way home, confirm how they’re feeling, if they have eaten, and provide whatever they need.
As God will have it, I have a good job and I take care of them very well. When I was a bachelor, I didn’t care because there was no one in the house as I said earlier. I could travel and have no apology to anyone. But as a father and a responsible one for that matter, I have to guide and mentor my children and my wife.
The good thing also is that when you have a very good wife, your job as a father becomes easy. All you would be interested in is being with them in the little time that you can be and let them be proud children to you and you also be a proud father.
You know their needs and they don’t need to ask you for it and once you can provide their needs, they’ll be very proud of you. The major difference between being a bachelor and a father is the responsibilities that come with it.
You plan for your children and your family, have a budget for them, you know when the school resumes or closes and what they want. That makes you a good father and there is a very big difference between being a bachelor, when you’re not as responsible, and when you are a father.