My post is kinda long, but please kindly bear with me as I’m depressed and really in need of constructive advice. I don’t know if I need a psychologist to help me deal with the issues I’m faced with at home.
I’m the first born of 3 siblings. I’m a christian, a 28 year old graduate, who is also a tailor and my dad is late. I live with mum who is a retired civil servant. By the way, she’s a Pastor in the church she attends. PS: I love my mum. She raised us singlehandedly even before dad’s demise by taking a loan from a bank and all.
I grew up with constant shouting in our home. Mum shouts at my siblings and I at the slightest mistake. she shouts at me more than she does at anyone else, probably because I’m her first child. And till now, at my age, she still shouts at me, which I’m no longer comfortable with. Since I was young, whenever she shouts at me, I would withdraw into my shell and become moody. But now that I’m way older, hmmm, sometimes, I’m forced to talk back at her when she shouts at me and then I naturally become cold and withdrawn.
My temperament is Sanguine/Choleric. So, we are always clashing in the house. She complains virtually about everything that it’s not done her way. Mum wants things done her way all the time. I grew up not being appreciated for the good things I do but getting rebuked and condemned when I make mistakes/errors.
When I was much younger, when I make mistakes, she’d shout and talk down at me in the presence of my younger siblings which I never liked, which she still does. Now, we are always clashing and at loggerheads with each other. I have spent more than two years with my tailoring boss but I haven’t been able to leave because I don’t have the money to set up myself and there’s no one to assist me since Mom is retired.
If not because of money, I’d have moved out. I leave home around 8:30 a.m and get home around 8/8:30 p.m after pedalling the sewing machine all day. When I try to rest, she would start throwing tantrums that won’t I cook and do house chores because I’m working. She asks, what if I’m married, is it my hubby who would be doing them?
PS: NOT THAT I DON’T WORK AT HOME, BUT I TRY TO RELAX BECAUSE OF THE ENERGY I’VE USED UP AT WORK.
But it’s as if she’s not ready to understand that. Even when I sew for her, she doesn’t appreciate it all, but would complain. It has made me depressed and often affects me at work such that my boss would usually ask if all is well with me.
Most of the time, I don’t feel like going home. And when I’m home, I don’t like to stay too long in the same room with her because I don’t know what next she’ll say to run me down.
I also have my worries too. I transport myself to work daily which hasn’t been easy. At 28, I have no relationship with a man. I’m still dependent. I can’t be on my own. I can’t buy things for myself, I can’t assist my siblings because I don’t like my situation. My self esteem is injured. I’m like a shadow of myself. I can’t go out for functions, events, etc., because of money. So, all of these things and the one I’m facing at home is burdening me.
As I speak, I’m not really on talking terms with them at home.
PS: My maternal grandmother lives with us while my siblings are away at school. They only return home when they are on a break. Please tell me, what should I do or do I need the help of a psychologist?