Life Nuggets The Onyeacholems Shared In Their 27 Years In Marriage Will Help Young Couples Fare Better In Theirs
Mr. James Onyeacholem, and his wife, Justina’s relationship started in 1988 and blossomed into marriage, and together, they have weathered the storms as a couple.
In this interview with Daily Sun, the couple, both from Agbor-Obi in Ika South Local Government Area of Delta State, shared their experiences, and offered useful tips for younger couples.
How did you meet your wife?
Mr James: When I came to Asaba in 1988, I started work with Asaba Textile Mills. The house I got was close to her family house. That was how we met. Even when I came in, she was the person who helped me in washing my room the first time we met.
Madam Justina: Long time ago, he used to come around my area while I was still with my parents. He used to visit my daddy. So gradually, the relationship started from there.
What instigated your interest in her?
Mr James: She was very hard working. Her family as a whole was very hard working. As time went on, I started developing a soft spot for her. Then, I said this is good for a man like me to marry. That was how we started, but it took time before she yielded to my request. We courted for some time before we got married.
What was the feeling like before she yielded?
Mr James: In the first place, the way I was relating with her parents, she was trying to tell me that we were related, that there was no how we could come together as husband and wife. That was when I asked her to go and find out from her mother. And when she went to the mother, the mother told her that we are only related but not the extent that we cannot come together as husband and wife.
Madam, why did you give him so much stress?
Madam Justina: It is true. In the first place, I was like, he is more mature, maybe I am too small to be his spouse or whatever. So I was like dodging, that I didn’t think I could do it, that he was big and more mature than I was then.
How did you propose to her?
Mr James: The first time, I told her that I discovered something in her, that I would like to have her as a wife. So after telling her, it took some time again, about two years. I visited my late father, in fact when my parents saw her, they cherished her.
After sometime, my father was telling me that I should start up the marriage process. So along the line, when we got married, my father was already down, he could not come for the wedding, he was at the traditional marriage. It was after three months that we did the wedding, and he was unable to come. My late uncle represented him.
Can you still remember the exact words you used to propose?
Mr James: I told her ‘I love you and you have all the qualities in a woman that I would like to have as a life partner’. I never gave her any ring to propose.
When he finally proposed, what was your response?
Madam Justina: I said yes, that I would be his wife
Was there any opposition from your friends?
Mr James: There was nothing like opposition. All my friends were telling me that I made a very nice choice. Some of them were even telling me whether it was possible for them to pick a wife from the family.
Did you also not face rejection from her family?
Mr James: No. All of them cherished me, and I was well welcomed
Was there any opposition from your family members?
Madam Justina: At first, some of my family members were saying that we are related somehow, that we could not marry. Later they said we could go on because we are not too close. It is from my mother’s side that we are related, that we could go ahead.
What can you remember most in your marriage?
Mr James: I still remember that her father made a comment during our traditional marriage when we were talking about the bride price. The father said, because I worked with him at Textile Mills in those days, that if it were possible, he would have asked me to go with his daughter without paying a dime. That dowry is a dowry.
He said we should bring out N1,000.00. It was then the mother’s relatives started reacting, saying that how could I use N1,000.00 to marry a graduate? That the money was too small. When her father saw how they were reacting, he called me, my parents and her mother aside.
He told them that if it were possible, he would have conducted the traditional rites in Asaba but that he just wanted to give them that respect, that was why he asked us to come to Agbor. When my parents gave him the N1,000.00, he returned N700.00 to me, saying if it were to be possible, he would not have taken a dime from me, that he liked my character, that people spoke good of me where we worked. I was a Principal Time Officer then. All the workers came through my office.
Madam Justina: It was all joyous because I never knew that people would even show concern about me. It was so marvellous, people came for both the traditional and church wedding. People honoured us. I was so happy then, I did not know that I have people around me.
Why did you decide to marry him?
Madam Justina: I see everything that I like in him. He is mature, handsome and bold. These are my reasons.
Did you have other ladies at the time? If yes, what stood her out?
Mr James: Yes, I had many, but she stood out because of her character and her upbringing.
How did you cope with a man that was double dating?
Madam Justina: It was God. Sometimes, I was like let me stay back, let them go ahead. But he will still come back to say that I should not worry myself over the girls, that I was the one that he wanted. He would always come to say something like that. Then I would come back again. Just like that.
Can you remember any misunderstanding you’ve had as a married couple?
Mr James: How do I remember any of such? You see at times when the good things are more than the few ugly situations, you always forget easily. All I know is that, really when we came together, she was just like my second mother. She would not like me to frown or get annoyed.
Each time she sees me frowning, she will always ask me what the problem is, and she will calm down the situation. We have been together for 27 years, if I am not mistaken. All she does is to make me happy. When my mother died two years ago, I wept even before her parents but I told them that my joy was that I have another mother, which is my wife.
And my family members so much love her because of her character; everybody wants to identify with her. When my mother saw her that it was her kind of person I got married to, she was always feeling happy. Even my siblings feel very happy each time they see her.
And there is one common name they used to call my father when he was alive: ‘Are You There’. Each time they see her, they call her ‘Are You There’. My marriage has been so interesting which I pray that God will bless other men in that way.
Madam Justina: The only one that I recall now was when our first son, then he was around 18 or 19 years, he was coming home late, and my husband always quarrelled with him. But each time they quarrelled, he would accuse me of being responsible for my son’s action. It hurts, you don’t accuse me of keeping quiet or supporting my son. That is the only thing I can remember.
How did you resolve it?
Madam Justina: Our son changed, and I told him that he should not allow his father to be quarrelling with him and myself because of his behaviour, that he should stop keeping late nights. I advised him and with the help of God, he changed.
What is his favourite food?
Madam Justina: He likes akpu and egusi soup
What is her own?
Mr James: Her favourite food is also akpu
Do you take time to prepare it for her sometimes?
Mr James: Yes. You see some men saying that the kitchen is for women, I don’t believe in that. When there is reason for a man to be in the kitchen to assist the wife, he should do so. I remember when she was coming home late from the office and most of my children were in school, and at the same time, she was very heavy then.
I would enter the kitchen and cook because I used to come back on time. And before she would come back from work, the food would be ready. What she would say is that she would not ask how come about the food, let her eat first before she start talking.
Do you have pet names?
Mr James: We don’t really have pet names, but before we had our first child before she started calling me the name of my first son, Papa Chuks…
Madam Justina: I called you Jimmy and you called me Tina before we started having children.
How many children do you have?
Mr James: We have five children, two males and three females. What really happened was that we first of all had the two males with a difference of two years interval.
On a second thought, we decided that we would start spacing. My third child, who is the first girl, is five years older than her immediate younger sister. And that younger sister is older than the last born with six years.
Which area do you want her to still improve on?
Mr James: Like I told you, all she does is excellent
Madam Justina: He has been a good husband. We have been working together. Maybe as we are aging, I am seeing that he likes talking. So I will advise that he should minimise talking.
What is your advice for young ladies going into relationship?
Madam Justina: I will advise them to first of all hold on to God and put God first in everything, that as they make their choice, God will help them to make good decisions. If they know what they want in a man, God will help them to make the choice. They should always try to support the husband so that life will be easier for them.
Your advice for prospective husbands?
Mr James: I will always tell the men to look before they leap because some girls of nowadays, in fact, majority of them, are wayward. And it will be better to watch very well when choosing a wife – the background and otherwise, because when you take a wife from a home where the mother or some of the siblings are not into marriage, you don’t expect them to always give you good advice.
They will always misadvise you. They always take sides with you. Whether you are wrong or not, they would begin to find one fault or the other in your partner. It is better when you want to take a woman for wife, try to check the family background very well.
What is your advice on courtship? Should it be long or short?
Mr James: If you want to take a girl for a wife, let it be short. At most, two years is okay. Although some people believe that some girls do not unfold their true character until they stay so long, if you are the type that studies people very well, the woman you want to take for a wife, you easily know her kind of person before you stay for about six months or a year. And as you are doing so, put everything in prayers.
Madam Justina: It depends, because when you have one of the partners outside the country, it is a different ball game because it will take long before they could conclude their marriage. But if the two of them are within the country, two years is okay to understand yourselves. If you extend it to five years and more, there are things that both friends are not supposed to do but they would be tempted to do those things.
From your own experience, how would you advice young couples on how to keep their homes?
Mr James: A home that would be broken will be broken even when they stay for 50 years. That is why in anything you do, you have to persevere, you have to be tolerant, not everything you see you react to. At times, mistakes can come from any of the two. And in a relationship, take away pride, see your wife as your equal.
Don’t because you are the breadwinner of the home, you don’t see your wife as anything. You feel you can shout on her and use her as a punching bag anytime you are annoyed. For a relationship that will last, first, humility.
Some people think that men should not be in the kitchen. What if your wife gives birth and in that situation both of you are in the house, does it mean that you cannot give a helping hand? In my home here, I make sure everybody goes to the kitchen.
Madam Justina: When spouses forgive each other of their wrongdoings, things will go well. But the moment you start bearing grudges and with the spirit of forgiveness not there, it is very difficult for the two to agree again. I will advise couples to always have the heart to forgive.