I thought this known secret of mine would be my undoing but God had other plans for me.
I grew up in a strict and very religious home. So when I was going into the university, I made up my mind to choose a University far away from home so that my parents wouldn’t police me up and down as they usually do. This is the same reason my siblings left home for schools very far.
I was a virgin when I started at the University. Infact, I never had a boyfriend until I got into my second year. I met this guy who seemed really nice and we started off a relationship really fast. I was 19, while he was 21 and also a virgin from a very strict home and an only child. His parents are pastors like mine. We connected quickly on that level and had a very smooth relationship not until he started pressuring me for sex.
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We would agree to it, then later call it off, telling each other that it was sinful and settling for a kiss. But one day, we finally had sex at his friend’s house (God rest his soul). I didn’t enjoy it because of the fear and guilt running through my mind at that time. I just kept saying to myself, “Father forgive” me as days went by. The funny thing was we both knew nothing about sex education or how to protect ourselves from pregnancy, so, I ended up getting pregnant. How did I find out?
I usually have a very stable monthly menstrual period that comes at a particular date every month but this time, it never came. I became worried. I called my boyfriend and he was scared as well. He came down to my hostel that evening and we both started crying. The thought of facing our parents and all made us go to a hospital to quickly take it out and we did. That was when my guilt really started!
We vowed never to have sex again but went back on our promise months after and I found myself having sex again, and guess what? I fell pregnant again! I still knew absolutely nothing about protection or contraceptives. I was devastated and helpless and alone because my boyfriend had returned home for the break.
Under my parent’s roof, I took out the second pregnancy and my guilt multiplied. I kept crying and asking God for mercy. After the 2nd abortion, we made a conscious effort to stop having premarital sex and the thought of killing innocent babies drained me. I was emotionally down. I was dying to speak to someone but I literally couldn’t for the fear of being judged, so I kept it to myself as my secret.
Years passed but this guilt kept coming back. I kept praying and asking God for mercy concerning my past. One day as I was praying in my room, I heard a voice clearly saying to me, “what you did in the past should not be a secret!” I knew it was the Holy spirit talking to me. I answered the voice saying, “but if I tell any man, he wouldn’t want to marry me again. The Voice said to me saying, “you must tell a particular man and he wont judge you and that is your Husband!” Mogbe! But I still loved my boyfriend and he still very much wanted to marry me even if we were still struggling to make it.
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That same night, I had a dream in which I was dating a man who is not my boyfriend. In the dream, this man introduced me to all his siblings and parents as the one that he wants to marry. I was so happy as I was welcomed by all in his family. I woke up and narrated this dream to my boyfriend. He was sad the whole day and said he doesn’t want to lose me.
On my way from somewhere, a car stopped and a young guy got out and approached me. He said, “Excuse Me!” Clearly again, I heard that voice that spoke to me earlier in my room saying, “He is the one”. I didn’t even know when I uttered “God forbid”. He asked if I was OK for sounding that way but I told him, “never mind.” He proceeded to ask if I lived in the neighbourhood. Said he was just returning home when he saw me and knew there was something about me that made him follow me down to my house. We just laughed it off and he asked for my number but I said no. He wasn’t going to give up that easily and he said something funny. We laughed it off and I gave him my number.
Immediately I got into the house, his call came in and that was how our friendship started. It was a very pure one. He was open to me about having a fiancée. As a matter of fact, he was to get married in six months! But one day he called me to come over to his house where he cried and told me that he knows his engagement to his fiancee was a huge mistake and doesn’t want to marry her anymore. Said since he met me, he has seen every reason why she would be wrong for him.
I kept all this away from my boyfriend even though I never as much as kissed this new guy. He was just a perfect gist buddy who loved me as a good friend.
On my birthday, he made me a cake and while we were in his house gisting and having fun, and honestly, till today, I can’t figure out what came over me. I started crying intensively in the kitchen. That guilt of aborting 2 babies came back. He rushed to the kitchen where I was and carried me to the living room, consoling me and asking me what the problem was. Immediately, I started spilling everything out. I told him how my guilty and how it’s still fresh in my thoughts and eating deep into me. He listened and told me of how God is a merciful and forgiving Father and why I shouldn’t hold on to the past.
After he was done talking to me, there was this PEACE that embraced me. It was like a burden lifted from my shoulder. He turned on the music and he was like I can’t make you sad on your birthday, so we started dancing.
A month later, he called to tell me he has decided to call off his wedding because he has found his peace and his peace is with me. Just like that! It was not a peaceful parting but she equally moved on. I equally called off my relationship with my boyfriend because it was clearly beyond me and I just didn’t want to do with anything that would remind me of my past. I had a completely new happy life.
Three months later, he took me to see his parents. Remember the dream I earlier narrated about a man who took me to see his people? Everything in that dream played out that way. That was when I was convinced that he was my husband! We got married a year later and I took in immediately.
Now, we are blessed with two handsome boys and we have been married for 4 years. What baffles me is that he has never ever used my past against me at any time and we are very blessed and happy in our Marriage. I give only God the Glory! I hope you have learnt a thing or two from my Known Secret.