Dear MIMsters: I Feel So Worthless To My Own Mother And It’s Eating Me Up

I feel so worthless to my own mother and it is eating me up.

I am 21. My mum is too harsh. I am afraid to tell her anything because of her reaction, and if I manage to tell her something, she’ll use it to abuse me the next day. Once, she has called me Ashewo (prostitute) because I told her about a guy who likes me. I am an introvert and her attitude makes life worse for me. I don’t see her as a friend, someone I can confide in.

When I finished Secondary school in 2014, I was working at a filling station while my older sister had just gained admission into a polytechnic, my mum would always collect my salary, but whenever I try to keep any of my money, she’ll start the story of how she suffered for me and I would feel bad.

After I gained admission in 2016, I was left to fend for myself such that people think that I have no family. I tried and continued with faith and with my boyfriend’s help. Yet my mum and older sister would always expect me to give my older sister money and clothes, even if I tell them that I’m hungry. I was always sad because I didn’t want to stress them at home since I knew they were broke. Thankfully, my roommate’s mom was always there to assist me with foodstuffs and rent.

Meanwhile my mum only has time for my sister, still gives her money and checks up on her at school while some of my school friends think that I don’t have parents as no one checks on me and I always pay my bills myself.

I concluded my ND last year and moved into another city for my IT because I don’t feel loved at home and I hate it so much that my parent always fight. Since I’ve been here a year ago, they have only given me 1k.

I know I am strong and I don’t flirt around. I have a boyfriend who always tries his best.

My sister got pregnant for a guy who isn’t doing well, yet my mum wants me to support my sister. I do send money home when I’m able to but she wants me to take full responsibility and pay back a loan they took for my sister’s school fees.

I sent a token even though it wasn’t easy for me. If I don’t send it, my mum will report me to her friends. She complains that I’m too quiet not knowing that I’m just afraid.

Last Friday, my mother called and accused me of not calling home to check on them. I was like I’m suffering and they cannot check on me. She said my sister that is in school calls but I won’t, that they are the ones who call me, that is it because I am giving them money? She said things that hurt, depressed and made me feel useless and she hung up.

Since then, I have not been myself. I wanted to call her back and apologise but I was like, must I apologise for everything. Can’t she sense that I’m in pains?

So on Sunday morning with tears in my eyes, I sent her the message below and since then, nobody has called me. I wrote…

“I am sorry for not being the type of child that you want. I am sorry for not being good enough. Mum, I am really depressed and it is killing me. What if I die, will you miss me? Will my siblings do what I do? I know I am not valued, I know you always see me as bad girl but trust me, I am not. I am writing this with tears in my eyes. I am dying emotionally but I guess you don’t know that I am an emotional girl.

If I die, will my siblings do better for you and Dad? I wish you could hear how my heart is screaming for your ears to listen to it.I wish you could see my eyes swell up with tears. I want to hug you. I miss you always but the pains that I’m facing around my own family is pushing me away. For so many years back, I have been in pains and nobody cares to listen.”

Am I useless? Is my message not worth what she should call me back for? As a mother receiving this kind of text, is she not suppose to call?